Home Sweet Chaos: Does This Gig Come With Onboarding Training?

Gallup finds that only 12% of employees strongly agree that their organization does a great job onboarding new employees.

You’ve invested heavily in recruiting the right candidate and did an end zone celebration when you received the executed employment agreement. You determined the start date. Set them up with their equipment and did all the back-end set up for them to work in your system. Now what?

Failure to launch is a costly problem for businesses

Research from Jacob Kaplan-Moss indicates that it conservatively takes about 100 person-hours from approval of the open position to the employees first day. That means you’re deep in the red before they’ve even crossed the proverbial threshold. The focus has now got to shift to creating an exceptional employee experience with the goal of employee retention.

One study found that companies with effective onboarding processes can increase retention rates by 82%. Silicon Valley companies in the 80’s understood the high value of retention and set out to extend the length of employment from the average of around 4.8 years to seven years. They did this by offering an 8-week paid sabbatical after seven years of employment, allowing you to tack on up to 4 weeks of paid vacation, allowing for a whopping 12-week break to re-examine your navel, or to figure out your next career move. They knew that employees would hang on for a couple more years if they could have this amazing perk at the 7-year mark. Now that's a good ROI on your recruiting investment!

I rolled up at my parents home in Orinda, California in November of 2023 and moved into their in-law unit to help care for them after about 30 years of living three states over. I had never spent more than three days with them since then, and I could have benefitted from a well thought out onboarding plan to prepare me for the re-entry (which they say, is a bitch).

The 'Moving Back Home After 30 Years' Onboarding Plan:

Orientation

• What is our culture - Really? Mom drinks an O’Doul's at 11am every day? So, we have a pre-lunch, low-alcohol beer kind of culture. Check!

• What is our mission - I’ll go with, it’s to keep my parents safe, well-fed and laughing.

• What is our vision - To have my parents last check go to the mortuary.

• What are our values - To respect each other exactly where we are at any given time. Give grace to one another. Find humor in the ridiculous. Forgive and ask for forgiveness.

• How you can contribute to our collective success - Start by learning to release from trying to be right. Just let it go. Seek to understand when nothing's making sense, or at a minimum, appear to seek to understand. Nod your head as if to indicate you’re interested, even when you’ve lost track of what they’re talking about. Resist looking at your phone. Don't break eye contact. Just nod and don't. say. one. word. until given a sign. (This is also one of the keys to keeping your wife happy. You can start practicing this, like, today).

• Tour of the facilities: Okay, it’s a big home, but damn, there is a lot of ‘stuff’ here! Get Marie Kondo on the line.

• Training: Since when does my mom not like tomatoes? Since when has my dad been consuming about a pint of ice cream every night at 11pm? Note: Buy less tomatoes, buy more ice cream. Even though water is liquid gold here in California, let it go that she waters the garden at high noon when the temperature is 105 degrees. It's her Valhalla. It brings her joy.

• Paperwork: “Father! Exactly what is in this huge pile of papers? And how about that pile over there? And that one??” Lot's of paperwork. Check!

• Handbook: If by handbook you’re referring to Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, then yes please.

• Introductions: “Oh we don’t socialize with our neighbors. But if you want to know any gossip about them, you just sit here by me.”

• Compliance: Reminder to change my dads Internet password: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouisDeweyDublin - Because he was told his password should contain at least 8 characters and one capital.

Employee Handbooks are the Rosetta Stone of a business

They are designed to translate important internal information to employees so that they are all rowing at the same rate and heading in the same direction.

While the idea of an employee manual often conjures up a jumble of jargon and rules, writing one gives you a chance to express how your business thinks about company culture, how you treat your team, and how you celebrate success or endure hardships together. It’s a place to communicate the company’s mission, vision and the values that keep you on the path of true north. One that really resonates with my sense of humor and practical nature is from the gaming company, Valve. Just. Damn. Funny.

But here is a list of some very creative handbooks to take a look at for inspiration, in the event you're still throwing your people into the deep end of the pool with no water-wings.

Until next time, here's to lovingly supporting older adults and their mental health.